( i am unknowable. )

[cabeswatered]

an adam parrish open post
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oKAY I'M BACK

[topsiders]

[ Gansey tilts his head towards Adam's face, leans in to press his mouth against the line of his jaw for no real reason other than he could. He shifts again to kiss him properly this time, lips finding Adam's.

If he gives into his fears and the pessimism that threatens to drown him at every moment he isn't battling against it with a relentless optimism, then he wants to kiss Adam as much as he can, for as long as he can, until he quite literally can't do it anymore.

It's terrifying to know just when it is you're going to die. These days, Gansey finds himself preparing without meaning to as if that will make it better - the leaving. But this isn't a quick trip to England. This is forever.

Historically, Gansey hates goodbyes; he's not very good at them. When he discovered Henrietta's connection to the ley lines, he'd left London - and Malory - without a word or a note. He regrets it and he promised he would never leave like that again, but now with the end too near, he finds he wants to leave and spare the pain of a goodbye.

He could never do it though. Malory isn't what Adam and Ronan and Blue and Noah are. No one could be what Adam is to him. Adam is everything. The most fucked up thing he could think to do is to leave him without a word. He considers the mercy in that - a clean break - but in the end, Gansey's too selfish for it anyway. He could never do that to Adam and he certainly couldn't do it for himself.

A moment later, breaths shaky, Gansey pulls back. ]

I'm thinking that I don't want to be afraid. But I am.