( i am unknowable. )

[cabeswatered]

an adam parrish open post
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hows this for emotional whiplash

[topsiders]

[cabeswatered]

[ going to college together is nothing short of a miracle. going to college together is an entirely different miracle all its own. gansey should be dead, and adam shouldn't have realistically gotten into an ivy league school, and adam and gansey shouldn't even be a thing because gansey should be dead. adam knows he shouldn't look whatever this gift horse is straight in the mouth and question it and instinctively try to reject it, but for all the relief he feels at having gansey by his side -- gansey, alive and breathing and real -- there's still the ever-present sense of dread, like it isn't all over, like there's no way they could possibly live normal lives after everything. ]

[ is this even a normal life? he can still feel the touch of cabeswater even when he's hundreds of miles away from it. it's still in his dreams and part of who he is. he's never going to be normal again, and it feels like such a farce to even try. adam's always been good at pretending, like he's a good person, like he isn't made from dirt and blood and beer, like he isn't just a boy who grew up in a trailer in some podunk town that never should have been important. (instead, it's the most important place adam's ever known, and it's almost laughable, when he thinks about it, since it's the only place he's ever known, too.) pretending to be good enough for aglionby was one thing -- honestly, he's not sure he can keep it up for four more years, not when all gansey does is attract people who could see through him in an instant. ]

[ still, he wants to be here -- or, at least, he keeps telling himself that. he can't just throw away all his hard work for nothing. he can't just give up because he thinks he doesn't deserve it. (he doesn't think he deserves a lot of things, let alone gansey, or this.) he just wishes he could stop feeling so paranoid. he wonders if it's a side effect of cabeswater, of being too far away, or if he really is just crazy. it comes and goes, and it's easier to ignore when gansey is around. for all of adam's refusal to live with him at monmouth, he'd given in a lot easier when gansey asked if he'd like to move into an apartment off campus with him. maybe he's just tired of saying no, or maybe he just hates being apart from gansey more than he hates the idea that living with someone might mean relinquishing his hold on independence.

[ it's co-independence, really; not co-dependence, because adam doesn't need gansey to live, nor the other way around. they can function just fine on their own, go to classes without each other, have friends outside of each other. adam and gansey are still two separate people, they just happen to spend most of their time together, and it's not like their relationship is a secret. adam had been more hesitant about it back in henrietta, but only because everyone knows everyone, and he really didn't want the attention or the talk. he just wanted gansey, and no one else needed to know. but here -- no one knows them here. some people still recognize the gansey name, if they pay any attention to politics, but it's just a name. ]

[ sometimes, he still feels like gansey's side piece, like all he is is someone to show off to his rich fraternity friends. but that's not entirely fair. adam knows it isn't, and he hates that he still feels inferior when he knows perfectly well gansey doesn't see him like that. it's everyone else who does (because no one else like gansey is actually like gansey), even when he's adam parrish, my boyfriend. they probably all think it's funny, or cute, in a horribly condescending way. none of them have ever actually said as much or even treated him as such (he knows they're thinking it), but it's that paranoia again, that every person worth more than his whole life savings has to look down on him or feel sorry for him in the way they would if he were one of those sad-looking dogs from those stupid commercials that guilt you into caring by playing some depressing sarah mclachlan song. ]

[ freshman year, he felt like one of those dogs, deaf in one ear and with a schedule so full with class and work, he kept missing important meals. he'd kind of been counting on the freshman fifteen to fatten him up a little, but he's not even sure he gained any weight that year. it's all evened out by now, now that he's not trying to overload himself with so much. he thought aglionby was hard but -- this is on a whole new level. gansey makes it look easy. but, then, he always has. everything is easier when your name is richard campbell gansey iii. adam parrish doesn't mean anything, which is both a blessing and a curse. he's more invisible here than he's ever been, and he sort of wonders if this is how noah felt all the time. it's not that he doesn't have friends, it's just campus is so much bigger that it's easier to get lost. ]

[ he always finds gansey, though. or gansey always finds him. no matter where they are or what they're doing, they always gravitate back to each other -- and it's not just because they live in the same apartment. gansey wanted a house, but adam insisted he wouldn't know what to do with all the space and it would drive him crazy, so they settled on an apartment instead. sometimes, adam thinks gansey really did settle, that he's disappointed with their little two bedroom. (not that they actually sleep in separate bedrooms; one of them they've turned into a den, of sorts, or a study, like out of some old film. gansey even bought one of those damn globes to put in one corner. adam still thinks it's ridiculous. and he absolutely doesn't want to know how much it cost.) it's certainly not monmouth, but it's theirs, isn't it? ]

[ it's a quiet day, a good day for not doing anything, which is exactly what they've been doing. gansey is reading something next to him -- it looks like it's required reading, but with gansey, that's synonymous for "fun." he's wearing his glasses, too, which ... well, it actually does a lot for adam. more than he's usually willing to admit. he's so used to gansey without them, that it's always sort of a turn on when he puts them on. ]

Have I ever told you how much I love these glasses? [ he sets his laptop to the side and shifts to adjust the frames on gansey's face gently so they rest farther up on the bridge of his nose. sometimes they fall down when he's reading. ] On you, I mean. [ he laughs, then, shaking his head fondly. ] Not that you need any more help looking distinguished or intelligent... I'm just saying -- you know, if I didn't know you, I'd definitely be getting a hot-for-teacher vibe right now. [ he shrugs like what he's saying isn't really important. why is he even saying it? ] Maybe I still am...

[ it's an admittance that wouldn't have been an easy one even so little as a year ago, but he's found a particular comfort in the way gansey makes him feel, like no one else has ever made him feel. there was a time he'd hate the thought of letting himself get this close to anyone, to acknowledge he's worth getting close to. he always used to think gansey could do better, but maybe better isn't what gansey wants. maybe he just wants adam. and it's startling and arousing all at once, as it always is when he thinks about gansey choosing him. adam was gansey's choice, and, against all his instincts, gansey was adam's. he still is. he always will be. ]

[ but he can't keep a straight face for long, blushing as he laughs and looks down, wringing his hands together. even after all this time, he still can't manage to get through a line without getting embarrassed and trying to back out of it. ] Sorry, that was lame.